


I Used to Love Him

by SkylineOrange



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Communication, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hinata and Komaeda have a healthy relationship, Kamukura and Hinata exist separately, Komaeda and Kamukura didn't, Komaeda works through his issues and Hinata tries his best, LMAO, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Super Dangan Ronpa 2, References to 90s R&B, Unhealthy Relationships, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, but still shared the same body, that's the fic, yes we're doing that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:15:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26659564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkylineOrange/pseuds/SkylineOrange
Summary: In which Komaeda was previously in an unhealthy relationship with Kamukura, and how the outcome of that relationship effects him now that he's with Hinata.Takes place post SDR2.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, past Kamukura Izuru/Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 5
Kudos: 255





	I Used to Love Him

**Author's Note:**

> Does this read as someone projecting? Because it is definitely someone projecting HA. 
> 
> I don't really write fic ever, as in the is the first real fanfiction I've ever written. but I had this idea for what a Komaeda/Kamukura relationship would look like and I wanted to try and explore that a little bit. Komaeda listens to Lauryn Hill because I said he did.
> 
> Please let me know what you thought in the comments! Thank you for reading!

It was cloudy on the island today. Actually, it had been for a few days. That was something Komaeda had noticed since waking up from the Neo-World program, the weather was more varied than it had been on the virtual island. There was more rain, not as much sun. He didn’t mind it of course. The clouds only served to make the clear days that much more beautiful. The way despair served to make hope that much brighter. 

Komaeda sighed. He hadn’t left his cottage today, perhaps the gloomy weather had left him in a dour mood. Besides, he had little reason to leave his residence on a good day. While his relationship with the other remnants had significantly improved ever since they’d woke up, he still had a ways to go before they would comfortably consider him a friend. But progress was being made. Just the other day he’d sat in on one of Mioda’s practice sessions, and before that he’d done his best to assist Soda with one of his various mechanical projects. Never mind yesterday's dinner where Owari had sat with him the whole time to ensure that he ate, _insisting_ that he was too skinny for his own good. Komaeda smiled at the thought, they really were too kind to someone like him. 

Then there was the issue of Hinata. 

_Hajime_ , Komaeda reminded himself, _he wants me to call him Hajime._

Hajime, who had waited by his side for weeks for Komaeda to wake up from the Neo-World program. Who had crafted a mechanical prosthetic to replace the wretched arm that reminded Komaeda of Ultimate Despair. Who had done everything to ensure Komaeda’s comfort and contentment on the island. Who insisted that Komaeda was worth the trouble. Who looked at Komaeda like he was his whole world. 

It made Komaeda nauseous.

He didn’t get it. Komaeda didn’t understand it. After every horrible thing he had done in the Neo-World program, every terrible act he committed against Hajime and the others, Hajime had persisted. Despite the fact that someone as incredible as Hajime—who was truly worthy of his title as Ultimate Hope—could have anyone he wanted, Hajime had chosen Komaeda. Komaeda, who was worthless compared to the hope Hajime inspired. Who’s problems certainly outweighed any value he may possess. Who had treated Hajime so terribly when he believed him to be talentless. Yet despite every glaring fault he had, Komaeda still found himself in Hajime’s arms every night, and waking up next to him every morning. 

Komaeda couldn’t understand it. 

He had spent the day tidying his already spotless room. Organizing and reorganizing his bookshelves, sweeping the floor he swept yesterday, folding and putting away laundry. Cleaning made him feel in control, like it was one of the few things he could do to make his worthless self useful. It made him feel… fulfilled. He used to clean a lot when he was with the Warriors of Hope, children really do make a mess. God he hadn’t thought about that in ages. Back when he was with-

No.

He shouldn’t think about that. 

As a distraction, Komaeda dug through the box of CDs Hajime had given him. He thought it might help Komaeda when he began to spiral. He really was too good to him. 

The collection consisted of a bit of everything: jazz, classical, rock, a few folk albums. Komaeda rummaged around the box until he found what he was looking for. 

“Ah, here it is.”

He pulled out an old R&B album he had grown particularly fond of. Komaeda found the singer's voice quite beautiful, and he quickly lost count of how many times he had listened to the album. He put the CD in the small stereo system he kept on his dresser and skipped to his favorite track. 

  
  


_Now I don't,_

_I used to_

_Love him,_

_now I don't_

  
  


Komaeda grimaced, _how fitting_. He ignored the dramatic irony of the situation and got back to the task at hand.

He couldn’t have been cleaning for more than a minute before he heard a knock at the door. Komaeda glanced at the clock on his wall. 1:47 pm. He hadn’t realized it had gotten that late, but he supposed time flew by when you were having fun. 

Not wanting the person to wait any longer, Komaeda called out, “Come in, Hajime!” because who else would it be?

And just like that, the man in question walked through the door. He was taller than he had been in the Neo-World program, better-built and more mature. He had ditched the button up and tie from his teenage years in favor of a sweater and jeans. He looked average. He looked beautiful.

“You weren’t at breakfast today,” Hajime stated. 

“I was not,” 

“You weren’t at lunch either.”

“That is also true.”

Hajime sighed, exasperated. He walked toward Komaeda, “Did you eat anything today?” 

“It may have slipped my mind,” Komaeda responded, turning his head, avoiding eye contact. 

“Nagito,” Hajime groaned, rubbing his temple, “How do you expect to get better if you don’t take care of yourself.”

“Why do you assume I want to get better?” Komaeda replied airily, still looking away. 

Hajime narrowed his eyes, “Stop that. I’m not doing that with you today.”

“You waste too much effort on me.”

“I think we’ve established I’m ok with that.” 

Komaeda hummed not commitally. 

  
  


_See, torn and confused, wasted and used_

_Reached the crossroad, which path would I choose?_

  
  


He forgot the music was still playing. “You’ve been listening to the CDs I got you?” Hajime asked, turning towards the stereo. 

“Yes, thank you. I like to put them on while I clean.” Komaeda said, picking up the duster he had been using and returned to his shelves. 

Hajime picked up the CD case sitting on the dresser, “ _The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill_? I didn’t know you were a fan.”

“I didn’t know you were aware of her work.”

“The talent of Ultimate Musician also comes with an extensive knowledge of music history, apparently,” Hajime shrugged.

“Ah of course, how could I forget I was in the presence of someone so talented.” 

Hajime shot him a look, “I hate when you do that.”

“Do what?” Komaeda feigned innocence.

“Put me on a pedestal, it makes me uncomfortable.”

Komaeda dropped the duster and turned towards Hajime, “Oh but you deserve it. You deserve to be admired for the talent you possess. I still can’t believe you even allow someone as lowly as me to be in your presence, much less occupy your time!” 

“Nagito, stop that. You’re going to start spiraling if you keep saying things like that.”

Komaeda scowled, maybe he _wanted_ to spiral. Maybe he _wanted_ Hajime to see how ugly he really was. Komaeda paused. _He would’ve seen it,_ Komaeda thought. He _always_ saw Komaeda for what he was. Useless. Worthless. Small. 

Komaeda couldn’t hide the spite dripping from his voice when he finally replied, “ _He_ would’ve let me spiral.”

Hajime’s eyes grew wide, “What?” 

“He used to say he found it interesting. He would’ve let me spiral into despair and watched the whole time,” Komaeda grabbed his own arms, holding himself. He was getting manic, he knew it. 

Hajime looked angry, “So you’re saying you want me to act more like him? More like the man that kept you collared and chained? Who dragged you around with no regard for your life? He didn’t care about you Nagito! He was just using you for whatever fucked up reason!”

Nagito recoiled, “Shut up! You don’t know what you’re talking about! You didn’t know him!”

“What do you _mean_ I didn’t know him? We have the same body!” Hajime snapped. 

Komaeda was _furious._ “You’re not the same! You wouldn’t do what he did to me! You wouldn’t- you wouldn’t- ARGHH!” Komaeda grabbed his head in frustration, dropping to the freshly swept floor of his cottage. _He didn’t know. He didn’t know. He didn’t know._

Hajime’s face fell. “Nagito-” he started, reaching for Komaeda’s arm. 

“Don’t touch me!” Komaeda whipped his arm away from Hajime. There was a pause. Komaeda caught his breath. His voice got quieter. 

“You want to claim you knew him? You want to take responsibility for his actions? Where he’d leave me alone for weeks on end? Where he’d show up out of the blue, fuck me, and leave? Where I’d beg him to stay, because I didn’t know what to do with myself when he was gone? Where I would drive myself crazy not knowing if he was dead or alive? Is that what you want? You want those actions to be on your hands?” 

“I- I didn’t-” Hajime looked distressed. He dropped to Komaeda’s side on the floor “I didn’t know he- I-” 

“You look like him of course,” Komaeda said softly, staring at the wall. 

“I know, I- I’m sorry” Hajime replied, even softer.

“Sometimes,” Komaeda shut his eyes. “Sometimes you sound just like him.”

“I’m sorry,” Hajime rested his head in his hands. He didn’t know how to continue like this. 

Neither of them did, so they sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Nothing but the low sound of the CD playing in the background.

  
  


_I see him sometimes and the look in his eye_

_Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold_

_But my heart is guilty, I took back my soul_

  
  


Refusing to look at each other, sitting on the floor of Komaeda’s spotless cottage. To an outsider it would’ve looked intimate, but in truth they’d never been further apart. 

Finally the silence broke. Barely audible, no more than a whisper, Komaeda spoke, “Sometimes I wish you were him.”

Hajime’s head snapped up from his hands. His eyes burned into Komaeda’s profile. 

“It’s selfish, it’s shameful, you’ve given me so so much. You’ve been so so good to me, more than I deserve. Yet here I am spouting selfish desires for a man who saw me as less than worthless.”

Komaeda was shaking, he couldn’t stop. His voice got louder. 

“Maybe that’s part of the reason I was so infatuated. He saw me the way I saw myself. The way that I am. The way you refuse to see. I was worthless, garbage, human scum, he knew this. And yet-” Nagito shivered. “And yet he _stayed._ He stayed and I was obsessed. Oh Hajime, if you had heard the things he’d say to me you'd be sick, but I _loved it._ ” Komaeda started to laugh, and Hajime knew the way this was going. 

“Nagito-” He started, but Komaeda cut him off. 

“I was just a toy for him to play with until he got bored—the way he did with everything else. But he always came back, and I thought maybe that meant he could learn to look at me the way I looked at him. Maybe that— that because he stayed— he could learn to love me the way I loved him. But he never did.” Komaeda felt like he was hyperventilating “He never did. He never did. He never did. And now he’s gone and I don’t know what to do with myself.” 

“Nagito, please slow down,” Hajime pleaded. He was spiraling, Komaeda knew this, but he couldn’t help himself. 

“Even now, even after everything that’s happened, even after everything he did, I’d give him anything. Whatever he wanted from me, he could have.” Komaeda sobbed. When did he start crying? He didn’t know. “I know I’m worthless. But to be used by the Ultimate Hope… to know in some way I was contributing to his greater purpose… Even if it was purely sexual, even if he never saw me as- as- Even if I-” Something in Komaeda snapped.

And then he crumbled. 

Nothing more than a fit of sobs on the floor, he cried and cried and cried until his throat was sore and his eyes burned. 

There was a light hand on his shoulder, and then his forearm, and then before Komaeda knew it he was being pulled into Hajime’s arms. The hold was loose enough that Komaeda could break away if he wanted to. _Always a gentleman,_ Komaeda thought. But in that moment he was grateful for the kindness. 

Komaeda wrapped his arms around Hajime in return, squeezing tight as to tell Hajime that it was ok to hold him closer. Hajime complied, pulling Komaeda closer and resting his head on Komaeda’s shoulder. Whispering reassurance into Komaeda’s ears: _I’m so so sorry. You didn’t deserve to have that happen to you. I’m so sorry. I love you._ At a certain point Komaeda realized Hajime was crying too. 

Pulling away, Komaeda wiped some of Hajime’s tears away, “Why are you crying?” He asked. 

“It breaks my heart thinking he treated you like that,” Hajime replied. “You deserve so much better.”

“You know I don’t agree with you.”

“Yeah, I know. That breaks my heart too.”

Komaeda cocked his head in confusion, “What do you mean?”

Hajime smiled, but nothing was funny, “You don’t see yourself the way I do”

“Have you ever considered that maybe your perception of me is wrong?”

“Have _you_ ever considered your self-image is skewed?”

Komaeda sighed, turning away from Hajime, “I’ll never understand it.”

“Understand what?”

“What you get out of this.”

Hajime shook his head, “I don’t need to ‘get anything out of it’ to want to be with you.”

“But surely you’ll get tired of me and my ramblings,” Komaeda insisted.

“I could never get bored of you. There isn’t a person on earth who I’d rather listen to. ” 

_Oh._

A memory flashed through Komaeda’s mind. He was at the feet of a man who looked just like Hajime. Chain around his neck, Komaeda wanted nothing more than to be of interest to the man before him. He had glanced at Komaeda, eyes narrowed. _You bore me,_ he had said. And Komaeda broke.

But here he was, back in the present, sitting in front of the same body, but a different man. A man who looked at him like he held the key to the universe. Who hung on every word he said like Komaeda was some greek philosopher. _I could never get bored of you_ , Hajime said. And Komaeda realized maybe it was supposed to be like this. 

He turned to Hajime, thinking on his words for a long time before he spoke. 

“I love you, and I’d do anything for you,” was what he decided on. 

Hajime sighed, “I know, and that scares me.”

“You’ve given me so much, why am I not allowed to return the favor?”

“Because your idea of returning the favor probably involves a lot more blood and suffering than I’d consider healthy,” Hajime chuckled. 

Komaeda went to respond, only to find he had nothing to say. Hajime laughed at this. 

“Look, all I’d ask from you is your presence in my life. And look, you’re already doing a great job of that,” Hajime said gesturing towards Komaeda. 

Komaeda rolled his eyes in return. 

Hajime smiled. Starting to stand up, he held out his hand for Komaeda to join him. 

Taking it, Komaeda was pulled up into Hajime’s arms. They stood there each other arms for a while. Until Hajime brushed the hair out of Komaeda’s face and pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

“I love you,” Hajime said, breaking the silence, “And I don’t want you thinking that anything _he_ said to you then reflects how _I_ feel about you now.”

Komaeda smiled, Hajime really was too kind, “I know.” He replied before pulling Hajime into a kiss. 

  
  


_You're just too good to be true_

_I can't take my eyes off you_

_You'd be like heaven to touch_

_I wanna hold you so much_

  
  


Komaeda had forgotten the music was still on, it had gone through several tracks at this point. He smiled, pulling away from Hajime and resting his head on the other man’s shoulder. “I love this song,” he whispered. Hajime wrapped his arms around Komaeda, rocking back and forth slowly. 

So they stood there, slowly swaying to the music in Komaeda’s cottage. Knowing there was so much left to say, but being content with what they had. Komaeda still didn’t understand it, he still didn’t think he deserved to be loved the way he was. But if this was what the world gave him, then he considered himself to be very lucky indeed. 

_At long last love has arrived_

_And I thank God I'm alive_

_You're just too good to be true_

_Can't take my eyes off you_

**Author's Note:**

> Komaeda and Hinata really be living in my mind rent free huh.
> 
> The songs mentioned are "I Used to Love Him" (my personal favorite Lauryn Hill song!) and "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" both by Lauryn Hill, both of which are incredible. You should go listen to it if you haven't. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! This did be my first completed fic so I would love to hear your thoughts!


End file.
